Some people eat to live, some people live to eat...and then there are the people who just have no idea what they are doing.  Whether you love your body or you love food, you aren’t going to be happy unless you can understand what it is to “cook with love”.  Thank the lard I am here to explain how to make sweet love in the kitchen.  It is THE most essential ingredient to any good meal and we all know what a good meal can lead to!

There are two basic ways of making sweet love in the kitchen.  There is the spontaneous “quickie” where you are using ingredients that you just had laying around the pantry and the fridge, waiting patiently for someone to caress them.  Then there is the well thought out “can’t walk the next day” session.  This is where you spend some serious time menu planning, shopping, prepping, cooking, setting of the table, shining the silverware kind of lovemaking.  They are both equally good and satisfying, but I tend to prefer the “can’t walk the next day” to the “quickie” only because I am a chef and a major stickler for detail.  So with that being said, let’s focus on the “can’t walk the next day” kind of love.

Menu planning is like foreplay in the kitchen…shopping in LA on the other hand is like a bad kisser…you work with what you’ve got but it can be a major turn off.  I usually start each meal inspired by one sole ingredient, whether it be a spice, a veggie, or a protein of some sort.  I like to peruse my cookbooks and magazines searching for something that I haven’t used in a while or that I know is in season.  Once I find that one thing that has gotten my juices flowing, I decide what kind of ethnic “position” I want to take.  Am I in the mood for some spicy Mexican or Thai lovemaking?  Some sweet and salty Japanese?  Some romantic slow Caribbean or maybe I will just let the ingredient dictate.  Just take yourself to the market and start with that ingredient and go with it.  Either way, you must take your time choosing just the perfect tools to use to cook with love.   Before I start, I like to explore my ingredients.  How do they like to be cooked?  How many different ways can I arrange them on a plate?  Once I begin the preparation, I really like to taste everything as I am going along.  This builds excitement and anticipation and allows you to adjust your seasonings.  Don’t just follow a recipe.  This is the very first thing to remember when cooking with love.  You are solely responsible for your ingredients and that means putting in the effort to make that food your bitch!  Any Neanderthal can follow a recipe, but it’s the understanding of the ingredients that brings the love.  Everything else should come naturally.

Now, when cooking with love it is also essential to have a good setting.  Setting the table is equivalent to the lighting of the candles and putting on just the perfect music part of the lovemaking process.  .  DO NOT wait until the last minute to set your table.  You don’t light the candles when you are done with the lovemaking; you do it before to add to it!  If you take the time to do the setting right, it only adds to what happens in the kitchen. You wouldn’t serve a fine wine out of a plastic cup or a tasty rack of lamb on a paper plate would you?  I also find this essential when it’s just a “quickie”.   You will feel the love much more if it’s eaten in a beautiful setting.  Those people who actually eat in fast food restaurants are beyond my help, I fear.

Plating of the food is also a very important part to cooking with love.  You want the food to look enticing.  You want your guest or guests..If you’re into that sort of thing…to ooh and ahh.  Food always tastes better if it looks amazing.  It is psychological.  Just like when that super hot guy was better than you thought he was…just because he was soooo HOT!  Food is that way too.  BUT, if you put enough love into it, you can’t go wrong.

So these are the basics to cooking with love or making sweet love in the kitchen.  It’s not so much about the tools and techniques as it is about the attitude and effort.  Next time we will touch base on the quickie.  I know…you are asking yourself why didn’t I start with this because it’s what most people are used to.  I guess I am just trying to inspire you to spice it up a bit!  Get those creative juices flowing people!

Pork...Praise the Lard!!

1. Sauteed bacon
2. crack bacon-contact for details
3. chicken fried bacon
   
4. peanut butter bacon cookies
5. bacon bourbon brittle
6. bacon chocolate
7. bacon dressing
8. bacon necklace
9. bacon lollipop
10. BLATito
11. bacon hot sauce
12. bacon flavored condoms
13. bacon bundt cake
14. maple bacon banana bread
15. bacon bra-for humor and aesthetics only
16. bacon rolling papers---IF ONLY!!
17. bacon stuffed loin of pork wrapped in bacon
18. Bacon breath mints
19. bacon filled lucite bowling balls
20. bacolyte plastiques-the wave of the future...and you always wondered what to do with all that leftover bacon fat!

Let me just preface this by saying it isn't rocket science. 

So, for the Holidays this past year I did not have one party to cater…thanks Mr. Government for sending the economy into a downward spiral…so I decided I was going to make some of my tasty treats to sell.  I stuck with a few of my tried and true, world famous delectables like my basil and vodka cured lox, and my Caesar salad dressing.  Then, I somehow got it into my head I was going to take local, organic pork bellies and make smoked apple wood and pepper bacon.   I am not here to tell you how to do it, but more like how NOT to do it.   It wasn’t a disaster so to speak.  Everyone but me seemed to love it in the end.  Let’s just say it didn’t go as smoothly as I planned.

 I think it all started by going the wrong way on the freeway to pick up the pork bellies.  I usually have an acute sense of direction, but not on this day.  When I got the pork bellies home there was one main issue with them that turned out to be huge in the end.  They weren’t whole pork bellies.   They had been cut into pieces for packaging purposes.   This left the bellies in strange shapes and sizes, which lead to the next issue; getting them to cure evenly.   I wound up with 9 different pieces of belly to equal 30lbs.  It also still had the skin on.  Now, most of this is my  responsibility for not asking all the right questions.  It took me forever to find a local place to get them and I was so excited to find them finally that I jumped the gun a little. 
Let’s jump forward 7 days.  All seemed nice and kosher,(HA!!) until I found out from one of my purchasers of said bacon that she needed them by a certain date.  This meant I was going to have to stay up after work and smoke them in the dark.  Note to self:   invest in headlamp.   Now, during the week while the bacon was curing I was also making jam, smoked olives, Caesar salad dressing, candied spiced nuts, gravlax, spice rubs, and working full time at my usually part-time job.  I was exhausted and barely able to stand when it was time to smoke the bacon.   I smoked it for 5 hours at 150 and just figured it was time for it to come out.  In the dark and half asleep I pulled it off the smoker and attempted to take the skin off while it was still warm.  I was just tooooo tired and decided I would deal with it in the morning. 

 The next day I packed it all up in the car, along with my vacuum sealer and headed off to work to slice and package.  This is when I perform my second attempt to take the skin off.  FUUUUUNNNKKKKK!!  I am just still too tired and have no patience for this.  I get the skin off one of them and throw it on the slicer.  It is at this point that I realize I haven’t smoked it long enough and gotten it to the right temperature and I need to cook it some more.  I am aware as a chef this could be a dangerous venture and I do spend about the next hour on the internet doing some research on what to do.   In the end, I decide to bring it up to a certain temp in the oven.  This seems to go well and when it comes out I easily remove the skin with my sharpest knife.  .  It is also at this point that I call said purchaser and let her know that there is no way in hell it is going to be ready in time and what can I do in place of the 5lbs she wanted. 

 After the bacon has chilled sufficiently in a very cold fridge overnight, I pack it all back up in the car and head back to the slicer.  Oh, it is soooo pretty…and tasty.   There is just only one thing wrong.  I am losing way too much of it to scrap because of the way it was cut.  I start to panic as I see my now 26lbs of bacon dwindling.  I am cursing the person who cut this into so many pieces and myself even more for buying it like this.   I get down to my last slice of bacon and get a whopping 17lbs in the end.  Exactly what I needed to fill my existing orders after the 5 lbs I didn’t have ready.  This seems to be the only highlight of the whole experience.  That and everyone else seems to have really enjoyed it.  I have yet to try any of my bacon except for the miniscule piece I cooked when I first started slicing it.

So in review, let’s just go over the do’s and don’ts

• Do ask many questions when speaking to suppliers
• Don’t get it with the skin on.  It’s just another step to the process.
• If you have to, do take it off while it is still warm
• Don’t multitask 10 other things during this process.
• Do sit down and take deep breathes and gather your thoughts.
• Don’t try and smoke it at 8 o’clock at night after working since 7am. 
• Don’t finish it in your oven unless you want your house to smell like smoke for the next 2 weeks.
• Don’t guarantee a certain amount if you don’t know how much you are going to have. 
• Do ask me how to make bacon.  I can now tell you exactly what to do and what can go wrong and what to do if it does go wrong.

 I hope you all can learn something from my mistakes.  I know I have!

These are the cookbooks that I have NOW.   They are in no particular order.  It is almost impossible for me to put things in favorite order, especially when it comes to food and cooking.  I love each one of them for different reasons. 

• Charlie Trotter Series-everything about these books are beautiful.  The food styling is gorgeous and inspiring.  I do have to say that this is a very advanced series and is only for the experienced chef or home cook...or the extremely adventurous.
• Martha Stewart Hors D'oeuvres Handbook-Easy to read, great recipes.  There are a wide range of recipes from basics to playful.
• Arzak Recetas-I bought this book when I lived in Barcelona.  I absolutely love the simplicity of the food.  It is a perfect example of clean spanish cooking with excellent photos and presentation.
• Truffles, Ultimate Luxury, Everyday Pleasure-this is not the chocolate kind!  We are talking about the fungus amungus!  Great history and information along with some super tasty recipes.
• The Seven Deadly Sins of Chocolate-what can I say.  This book is filled with everything good and evil having to do with chocolate!

It all starts with the reservation.  Most people are afraid to ask for what they want.  If the restaurant has a great view, ask for a table by the window.  If it has a beautiful, open kitchen, ask for a table with a view of it.  If you know the bartender is super hot, ask for a table by the bar.  If they don’t take reservations or you forgot to make one, don’t be afraid to ask when you arrive.  If you have been sat by the door or the bathroom or a couple with a crying baby, please for the love of god, ask to be moved.  I heart doors, bathrooms, and babies, but I don’t want to eat a great meal next to any of them. 

Don’t be late for your reservation.  There are a lot of restaurants out there that won’t even seat the party until all guests arrive.  This is both annoying to the hostess and your fellow diners and you just might get a not so great table.  Not to mention your fellow foodies might end up a little too drunk because they had to wait in the bar for your sorry ass all whilst drinking overpriced martinis.  This brings me to my next lesson…

Choose your foodie friends wisely.  Some people go out and eat like they are the only one at the table.  They don’t like to share and they are not adventurous.  I don’t eat with them.   I will dine with a honey hating beegan before I dine with them.  If you are dining out with close friends or family don’t hesitate to ask the table if they want to share some things so everyone gets to try more than a few dishes.   I usually try and order last so that I order something that hasn’t been ordered yet. ..There are always more than a few plates that I want to try. 

If you are ordering wine by the glass and can’t decide which one you want to drink, ask your server for a tasting of a couple.  Nine times out of 10 they will oblige.  If you are ordering a bottle for the table and you aren’t sure, ask your server, but most importantly make sure there is a unanimous decision on the type of wine everyone will drink.  I don’t care too much for chardonnays and cabernets and will never order them.  I always speak up and make sure that everyone is happy with the choice. 

If you have a food allergy or there is something you do not eat, please speak up at the BEGINNING of the meal.  I can’t tell you how many times people with allergies don’t say anything and then ask when it gets to the table if there is garlic in it only to send it back to the kitchen.  You know who you are.  UGGH!!  If you are lactose intolerant don’t order the pasta with cream sauce. OH!  And by the way people, bacon is NOT read meat!!!!!!!!  The only reason it looks pink is because of the way it’s cured.

One of the worst things that can ruin a good meal is being rushed.   Don’t be scared to ask your server to wait to fire the entrees until you are done with your appetizers.  I enjoy having at least a good 10 minutes in between my courses.  I like to talk to my fellow diners.  I like to take notes on what I just ate and drank.  I like to have a little time to digest so I don’t get filled up by my entrée after the first bite…and I DEFINITELY need to have room for dessert.   

I have been cooking professionally for 25 years now, the last 12 as a private chef and caterer.  I don’t get to go out to eat that often and when I do there is something that matters way more to me than the food itself….service.  I can make some of the best food for myself at home, but there isn’t service there.  There is no one to take my order, poor my wine, or do my dishes.  Oh, if only I had the money for that hot, 18 year old “busy dishwasher”.  Life would be soooo much more fun…and easy.

I pride myself on my service. I employ only the best of servers when I cater a party.  I expect nothing but the best. So is it too much to ask for the same when going out to eat.  Now I am not going to group all places together.  I don’t expect the diner down the street to give me the same service as any of the top notch restaurants in any major city, but once again, 9 out of 10 times the diner is better.  Every city I have lived in or been to the service is always different.  The best service I have had has been in Seattle and Portland.  There is a reason for this….there isn’t any actors there.  Now, I just want to state that some of my best servers are actors themselves, but I think there is a difference between service at home and service in a restaurant.  In someone’s home it is a little more personable, which leads it to a somewhat more relaxed atmosphere no matter how formal the dinner is. 

LA is particularly difficult.  Nobody here is a server.  They are actors.  Serious actors.    They don’t give a flying fuck if your $40 steak is overdone or they brought your entrée with your appetizer.  Maybe they are star struck by the D list celebrity sitting next to you, or pissed because it isn’t them sitting there with the scarlet D across their forehead. Speaking of bringing my entrée with my appetizer, my major peeve is the rush.  You better not rush me.  If I want to take most of the night to eat my dinner, that is my prerogative.  I just spent 4 years living in Barcelona where you were lucky if you got a menu in the first 20 minutes…and it might take another 20 just to get your drink.  Why do we rush?  I don’t want to be rushed.  I don’t want to have to be rolled out of the restaurant not remembering what just happened or even having a clue what I just ate without having to take notes (which I do a lot anyway, so I guess I shouldn’t bitch too much).  I want to remember a fabulous dinner with the best service ever…everytime.  Is it too much to ask?

I’ve cooked for a President, a vice president, a few ambassadors, and a quite a few celebrities.  I’ve also cooked for people who could barely pay their bill, but were so happy to have the experience of a lifetime that it didn’t matter if they couldn’t pay their rent that month.  I have to say that I am never more driven and satisfied to make the latter wet their panties…or manties.  The level of appreciation is heartwarming and extremely motivating.

  The acronym VIP makes me want to hurl knives until I see a pool of blood at the feet of those who utter them.  As far as I am concerned, every single person sitting at my table is a VIP and deserves the experience of a lifetime.  9 out of 10 times it’s the person who can barely afford it that shows their appreciation when the bill is set in front of them.  These so called “VIPS” will haggle for the cheapest deal and then stiff you on the tip at the end.  They want everything for nothing and nothing is what I usually get. 

Now most of these people weren’t born with silver spoons in their mouths.  I know a good portion of them couldn’t have forgotten about the struggle.   They have to memorize the lines of entire movies, or shows, or plays for funks sake.  I know they have a gazillion assistants doing all their bidding and dirty work and aren’t used to having to do anything for themselves.  I know that Donatella and Giorgio and Ralph usually hand them their goody bags personally.  I certainly don’t want to bite the hand that feeds me, but I guess what I am trying to say is when it comes to food, I don’t really care WHO you are.  I treat VIPS as I would anyone else; with the utmost respect and appreciation and I expect the same in return.  I ask, is this too much to ask?

Now this list is in no particular order and is completely personal to my way of cooking.  As a chef, I have mulitiples of many things...mostly due to British Airways losing 2 suitcases full of my equipment and it then showing up 8 weeks later after I had replaced everything.  I could probably open couple of restaurants with the amount of stuff I have in my kitchen!  I am not much of a gadget person, but love to hear what other people use the most in their kitchens, so please let me know what you can't live without!

1. Santuko knife- preferably of japanese sushi grade quality
2. kitchen aid mixer-with a meat grinder and sausage stuffer
3. microplane
4. quality vegetable peeler
5. food processor-with a top that you don't have to remove the inner piece to get it off
6. many silicone spatulas
7. many wooden spoons-it's a fetish of mine
8. ice cream maker
9. half sheet trays and lots of 'em
10. an endless supply of stainless steel mixing bowls

Ahhh… BEEGANS

Please don’t get mad at me because I put honey in the dressing.  What the funk do you mean you don’t eat honey?  Are the bees treated anymore cruelly than the plants you stuff your self righteous faces with?  Are you really going to stand there in front of me and give me grief for this nectar of the gods?  I just told you I slaughter and eat cows, but all you give a shit about is the goshdarned bees. Did I tell you that I am fatally allergic to those same bees?  I have to carry around a ginormous syringe filled with a substance to jump start my heart just in case I get a little stinger from one.  LOOK…I didn’t funking harvest the honey myself.  I won’t even get within a thousand feet of a nest, hive, or farm for that matter.  OH!!  You want to know why I don’t use stevia to sweeten my dressing?  Because stevia tastes like the ass of the cow I just butchered.  Here, let me put some in a plate and see if you can tell the difference.  Agave…damn, I love me some agave, but if I used it to sweeten my dressing what the hell would I use to make my tequila out of?  Do you know how hard it is to grow and harvest agave?  Oh, you don’t?  Do you even know where it comes from?  LOOK!!   Those bees are gonna make honey one way or another.  They are gonna swarm together in tiny little spaces whether it’s man made or made by the funkin Queen of Beelandia herself.  The poor little bee isn't sacrificing itself for this nectar.  Sure chickens and cows are treated like ___ but a bee is treated like freakin royalty compared…but IMHO, they all taste equally good.  Oh shazbot!!  Sorry I offended.  Let me just give you the word of the day.  CHOICE.  If you don’t funking like it, then don’t eat it.  It’s like TV.  Now, can I help you get that bee hive out of your ass?

Where do I start?  I absolutely love this show.  It gives me everything I need.  Excitement, suspense, aggravation, titillation,  and above all, FOOD!  I love Tom’s bald, shiny head and his looks of “are you sure about that?” and “what the hell are you thinking?” that could make even the best chef scrap an entire idea and start over again.  I love Gail’s level headed reasoning that makes me realize she is the only sane one on the panel.  I love Padma’s boobs now that she’s pregnant.  I love Toby for his, well…his…ummm…Accent? Oh, and of course is completely off the wall, sometimes offensive comparisons.   Finally, I love all the great guest judges they have had, even the few celebrity guest judges that seemingly had no clue as to what they were talking about.  Let’s not forget about all the contestants, which I almost became one of myself in the second season.  Marcel with his foams and hair.  Tiffani with her bitch face (girl could cook though).   Stefan with his never ending love of himself and wanting women he couldn’t have.  Dave, the wonderful down home cook who couldn’t stop crying.  And then there was Stephanie, the first woman to win and fan favorite that year.  I called it from the first episode and cried when she won.

What I love more than the show itself is the tradition that comes with it every week.  All across the country people have started their own viewing parties, complete with quickfire challenges and judges. But, I’m not here to talk about their parties; I am here to talk about mine.  Every Wednesday I get together with my two closest friends and fellow foodies, Rick and Mimi.  Mimi and I usually coordinate something together which includes tag teaming of the shopping and prep.  Sometimes just one of us does the meal altogether    Rick, he brings home the bacon, so he usually doesn’t arrive until we are about to serve, but his witty, jolly banter contributes just as much to the meal…that, and he always does the dishes!  Now, what I love about watching the show together and eating a great meal is that we somehow seem to stretch the 40 minutes (always recorded on east coast satellite feed so we don’t have to wait until 10) into about 2 hours.  Every commercial break is when the next course is made and served.  This is also the time when Rick usually picks up the guitar and we have a little sing-a-long intermission.   It is the love of food and my friends that makes this show all the more endearing.

I certainly can’t imagine spending my Wednesday nights without my friends, but there have been a couple times during the seasons past that we couldn’t get together for some reason.  I got sick once and I think I cried when I thought Rick and Mimi were watching it without me…I know I cried when I found out they waited for me.  Then there was the time that Mimi was out of town and she said she would watch it with her mom and told us to watch it together.  I remember feeling dirty, like we were cheating on her together.  I remember kind of liking it...sorry Mimi, what can I say, he's hot!